Posts Tagged ‘lundqvist’

MARTIN BRODUER AWARDED CHRIS SIMON TROPHY

October 14, 2008

Following the New Jersey Devil’s 4-1 loss to the mighty New York Rangers Monday night, the NHL announced that Martin Broduer, the popular adulterer who moonlights as a minor league hockey goalie, will be awarded the Chris Simon trophy for unsportsmanlike conduct.  The announcement came as no surprise to Ranger fans everywhere, as they are used to seeing Marty’s antics in the crease… although we only hear about his antics in the bedroom.

When asked for comment, Marty just simply ignored our reporter, much like he simply ignored shaking hands following the Devil’s thrashing last spring in the playoffs.

Since we couldn’t get a comment from Marty, we asked the world’s favorite goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, how he felt about the news: “It couldn’t have been awarded to a worse guy.  Marty cheats at hockey, as well as his marriage.  Its as if the Chris Simon award was made for Marty.”  When asked about how it is to lead the league in wins this season, Henry added “Wait until we play some real teams, I don’t know why the NHL even awards us 2 points in the standings for playing the Devils, aren’t they the Albany River Rats’ farm team??”  Henry then left to go meet up with some Swedish supermodels.

Rangers lose to Calgary, decide to not alter history.

January 3, 2008

Last night, the New York Rangers lost to the Calgary Flames 4-3. Or did they? As everyone knows, NYR was on a 3 game winning streak, and Brendan Shanahan declared the NYR as ‘the lord of the rings.’ Now, we all know that LOTR is 3 parts, not 4. Rumor has it that King Henrik, last seen in the 3rd part of the trilogy, Return of the King, where King Henrik returns to the throne of Gondor, did not want to alter history.

“We all know how that story ends. I take the throne, evil is destroyed with the help of my hobbit friends, and I make sweet love to an immortal elf. Why should I change the way that story ends?” It is Rangersin08’s belief that Henry purposely tried to give the Flames the lead last night, just so the LOTR timeline went unscathed. While we all would have liked a 4 game winning streak, we have faith that our king knows whats best for his followers. When asked about the captain of the Flames, Jerome Iginla, Henry said “He’s the captain of the Flames? More like the Ice if you ask me. The only flames in Calgary were behind our airplane as we landed here this morning.”

King Henrik

King Henrik is shown above chillin’ with some royalty and showing off some bling after freeing Gondor from the grip of Sauron.

Calgary Ice

“Henceforth, the Calgary Flames will be known as the Calgary Ice” – King Henrik during his first state of Gondor Address.

NHL Winter Classic: Classic, or forgotten?

January 1, 2008

Today at 1pm eastern time, the NHL had its first ever outdoor hockey game in the US. With over 73,000 fans packed into the home of the Buffalo Bills, everyone was asking the same question: Does anybody care?

You see, here at Rangersin08, we find it hard to label any hockey game a ‘winter classic’ without having the most classy team in hockey, the New York Rangers, a part of it. So when it was all said and done, after the snow had fallen and Sidney Crosby scored the shootout winner, the fans quickly exited the stadium, and television sets were quickly turned off. Rumor has it that the nation was gripped with excitement, hoping to see an appearance of the Czech Cyborg, or the Swedish Rock Star, but were let down once again by two lackluster franchises.

Steven Johnson, long time NYR fan, took the 6+ hour trip to buffalo for the game. When asked about the outcome, he simply said “Predictable, as is any game without the Rangers. There were no winners in today’s game, only losers.”

Emily Adder, a 9 year old Pittsburgh fan, drove up from Pennsylvania with her family and her best friend, Rebbecca. The two youngsters were excited about seeing their favorite player, Sidney Crosby, take to the ice in the winter weather. When asked about how it was to watch a hockey game in the cold, Emily said “Well, my family is from Pittsburgh, so naturally, its usually this cold every winter in our house when we listen to the game on the radio, I just hope Sidney can take it, he’s so delicate…” When our corespondent asked Emily about if she thought Henrik Lundqvist should have been involved in tonights game, she added “Even tho he plays for the rangers, me and Becca always take turns fantasizing about what it would be like to be saved by Lundqvist…” Alas, there was no saves in Buffalo by Henry on this day.

The nation will look forward to tomorrow night, as the NYR will take its 3 game ‘we’re the lord of the rings’ winning streak to western Canada, where they will defeat the Calgary ‘we should be called the calgary ice’ Flames starting at 9pm eastern time.

Sauron

The Rangers are shown above reaching for the Stanley Cup.

The best goalie in the NHL is … Stephen Valiquette

November 23, 2007

19 saves in the first period, including a number of truly brilliant ones. Who’s this Lundqvist guy anyway? Valiquette for the Vezina!

Henrik is King

November 5, 2007

Who cares if the Rangers don’t score five goals a game?

Who cares if they even score two, if the King posts a shutout?

And now, we can be certain that Sean Avery is 100% healthy. His dive late in the 3rd period was a thing of beauty.

Going to be at the game tomorrow … will post after … probably.

Rangers win!

October 29, 2007

Big day for the big guns: a goal each for Dawes, Jagr and Shanahan.

Assorted thoughts:

  • Why does Renney insist on putting Jagr out in the last minute with a 3-1 lead?
  • Another solid effort by Lundqvist.
  • The Rangers ought to get Hollweg on the PK unit. It will cost them in the long run if they have to burn out their top players. Hollweg certainly has the speed to do it.
  • Dawes: A goal and no assists. HOCKEY IS A TEAM SPORT, NIGEL!

Bettman Orders Rangers, Opponents to Play Without Goalie

October 23, 2007

The NHL is becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of scoring this season. The Rangers, with their many stars and their lack of production, along with fine goaltending, epitomize the league’s offensive woes, thereby becoming a target of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

Ever the innovator, Bettman has ruled that the Rangers and their opponents must play without goaltenders for a period of ten games. This should give the Rangers ample time to start scoring. Also, goaltender Henrik Lundqvist should cool off by the end of this period.

“The Rangers are like Minnesota Wild East,” Bettman said. “We don’t want to have to suspend players for not putting the puck in the net, so hopefully this will get them going.” He also said he was “very, very disappointed” in the play of Lundqvist. “Didn’t he get the memo? We want more scoring!” Bettman said.

Bettman then flew into a rage, but abruptly left the press room, as he had a golf outing with his old buddy, former head of the NHL Players Association Ted Saskin.

DAWES RETURNS TO BROADWAY

October 17, 2007

http://www.newyorkrangers.com/pressbox/pressreleases.asp?id=3067

NYR announced today that N. Dawes himself will be returning to Broadway.  Many were stunned when N. Dawes was sent down before the season began, as he had an excellent pre-season stint.

The big question becomes which line does he go on??  Are we going to see big line shuffling tomorrow against Atlanta?  Will he be with Jagr again like he spent some time with him in the pre-season?? WILL SYLAR STRIKE AGAIN??
ALL THESE BURNING QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED TOMORROW NIGHT AGAINST ATLANTA THRASHERS 7PM!!!!

MARION JONES GIVES UP OLYMPIC MEDALS, AWARDED TO HENRIK LUNDQVIST

October 8, 2007

Today former track star Marion Jones gave up her 3 gold medals and 2 bronze medals awarded during running events at the 2000 olympic games in Australia, after she admitted that she was really a man and also used some steroids. The Committee for Olympic Medal Decision Making, or COMDM, had a brief meeting to decide what to do with the vacant medals. The decision was unanimous: The medals would be awarded to Henrik Lundqvist.

Henrik1

“Its so great to now have 4 gold medals. I mean the first one was great, but these 3 felt like I had to work really hard to earn. I mean I was the only player who wasn’t sickened by poisoned water Saturday night (against Ottawa) . ” When asked about the 2 bronze that were awarded to him, Henrik said “Fuck bronze, why would I want medals celebrating being the second loser? I’m the King! I tossed them in the Hudson river.” When asked about Marion Jones, Henrik simply added, “If it looks like a man, talks like a man, smells like a man, and runs like a man being chased by the police… then its probably a man.”