Posts Tagged ‘MSG’

MARTIN BRODUER AWARDED CHRIS SIMON TROPHY

October 14, 2008

Following the New Jersey Devil’s 4-1 loss to the mighty New York Rangers Monday night, the NHL announced that Martin Broduer, the popular adulterer who moonlights as a minor league hockey goalie, will be awarded the Chris Simon trophy for unsportsmanlike conduct.  The announcement came as no surprise to Ranger fans everywhere, as they are used to seeing Marty’s antics in the crease… although we only hear about his antics in the bedroom.

When asked for comment, Marty just simply ignored our reporter, much like he simply ignored shaking hands following the Devil’s thrashing last spring in the playoffs.

Since we couldn’t get a comment from Marty, we asked the world’s favorite goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, how he felt about the news: “It couldn’t have been awarded to a worse guy.  Marty cheats at hockey, as well as his marriage.  Its as if the Chris Simon award was made for Marty.”  When asked about how it is to lead the league in wins this season, Henry added “Wait until we play some real teams, I don’t know why the NHL even awards us 2 points in the standings for playing the Devils, aren’t they the Albany River Rats’ farm team??”  Henry then left to go meet up with some Swedish supermodels.

Mess in the hall

November 11, 2007

No, we’re not talking about the mess in your local college cafeteria hall. We are talking about “the Captain,” Mark Messier being inducted into the hall of fame today. I have not see the video yet, but I am very excited to watch one of the finest leaders and human beings getting the credit he deserves. It is sure to be a heart-warming clip, and Mark probably let the water-works fly as he usually does (you gotta give it up for a man who is not afraid to wear his emotions on his sleeve). Was there a better sight for Rangers fans then watching Messier come down on the wing, pick up his right foot, bend his leg and snap a shot right through the 5-five of an unexpecting goalie? Rangers in 08 would like to congratulate Mark Messier for his induction in the hall of fame…we would the Rangers organization been without him???

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THE CUP OF CHAMPIONS

November 10, 2007

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Al Trautwig, Moment Killer

October 29, 2007

During the 2nd period intermission in tonight’s Rangers victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning, MSG legend Al Trautwig who is infamously known for parking his Acura MDX in the handicap parking spot and not tipping the omelet guy at the Kitchen Kabaret Fine Foods store in Roslyn Heights, New York, interviewed an 8 year old boy who suffered from kidney failure and needed a transplant from his mother.

Quite a touching story if you ask me. There is nothing more heartwarming then a mom being able to save her child’s life through such a selfless act. Seeing the smile on this kiddo’s face because he was simply attending a New York Rangers game, his favorite team, transcends how sports can impact the lives and raise the spirits of America’s youth. However this interview was ruined for me at the end when Trautwig, the moment killer he is, told this young boy to “live a long life.”

WHAT THE GOURMET TERIYAKI CHICKEN SANDWICH AL (reference for all of you Kitchen Kabaret lovers)??? You basically told this young boy, who was nervous and terrified about being on television to “NOT DIE ON US.” Geez Al, why didn’t you just come out and say “LISTEN LITTLE GUY, HOPEFULLY YOUR NEW KIDNEY WON’T FAIL DURING THE THIRD PERIOD, WE WOULDN’T WANT THAT TO INTERFERE WITH RANGERS POST GAME REPORT. HERE, TAKE A BRANDON DUBINSKY SIGNED PUCK!”

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Satan Helped to Build the Prudential Center

October 28, 2007

The Devils new arena, known to fans as the “rock,” should just as well be located next to the river styx.

As I came home last night (early morning) I turned my television onto FSNY of (Full of Shit NY) and the Devils’ home opener against the water-tainting Ottawa Senators was being replayed. As they were giving the fans a tour of the Prudential Center on the pregame show, I was extremely impressed. I thought to myself, “Wow, they did a great job down in New Jersey. I wouldn’t mind checking out a Rangers-Devils game down there. How could such a poverty-stricken city and an extremely frugal franchise (who big free agent signings include Aaron Asham and Karel Rachunek) afford to build such a ornate complex?”

Then the answer popped his red, horny head.

Before the player introductions, they Devils showed their pregame introduction on their brand new scoreboard. As AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” was blasting throughout the Newark arena, drowning the remnants from the last Bon Jovi concert, a devil appeared on the screen. Then a montage played, where they showed Devils hockey highlights then cut to the devil applauding these plays. At this point I was thinking to myself, “This can’t be good for PR, I don’t remember a time when the devils have actually aligned themselves with Satan since the Seinfeld episode where Putty painted his face to support the Devil and traumatized the visiting Spanish priest.”

Finally, the video showed the Devil slamming his pitchfork down on the ground. And what happened when he did this? THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER EMERGED FROM THE GROUND READY TO ROCK! NO WONDER WHY CONSTRUCTION TOOK SO LITTLE TIME, NEW JERSEY DEVILS OWNER JEFF VANDERBEEK AND NEWARK MAYOR CORY BOOKER WERE ABLE TO SELL THEIR SOULS TO HAVE THE DEVIL USE HIS MAGICAL PITCHFORK TO BUILD A NEW ARENA! OOOOH MY WHAT A SITE AS THE DEVIL LAUGHED WITH JOY AS HIS LITTLE MINIONS, THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS, CAN NOW SEND OUT HIS MESSAGE OF CHAOS ON EARTH WITH CROSS-CHECKS AND OBSTRUCTION HOOKING CALLS.

In addition, Senators coach, Bryan Murray was seen giving Satan a stack of water bottles. Hmmmm, perhaps Satan is helping the Senators taint the water of their opponents. NYR fans can only speculate at this point, but this twist would be fitting.

Do not trust this 2007-08 New Jersey Devils team, they probably drink the blood of the innocent before all games; perhaps they drink at one of the many bars located in the Prudential Center, which is just one of the many luxurious amenities.