Posts Tagged ‘New Jersey’

MARTIN BRODUER AWARDED CHRIS SIMON TROPHY

October 14, 2008

Following the New Jersey Devil’s 4-1 loss to the mighty New York Rangers Monday night, the NHL announced that Martin Broduer, the popular adulterer who moonlights as a minor league hockey goalie, will be awarded the Chris Simon trophy for unsportsmanlike conduct.  The announcement came as no surprise to Ranger fans everywhere, as they are used to seeing Marty’s antics in the crease… although we only hear about his antics in the bedroom.

When asked for comment, Marty just simply ignored our reporter, much like he simply ignored shaking hands following the Devil’s thrashing last spring in the playoffs.

Since we couldn’t get a comment from Marty, we asked the world’s favorite goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, how he felt about the news: “It couldn’t have been awarded to a worse guy.  Marty cheats at hockey, as well as his marriage.  Its as if the Chris Simon award was made for Marty.”  When asked about how it is to lead the league in wins this season, Henry added “Wait until we play some real teams, I don’t know why the NHL even awards us 2 points in the standings for playing the Devils, aren’t they the Albany River Rats’ farm team??”  Henry then left to go meet up with some Swedish supermodels.

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NYR ROCKS THE ROCK!

November 14, 2007

What a game! The Prudential Center was rocking…EVEN THOUGH NYR FANS WERE MAKING ALL THE NOISE. Tonight was the first time in the history of “The Rock,” the opposing team’s fans made the building shake. NYR finally looked like the dominant force they can be. Henrik was Henrik (how clutch was that save against Gionta on the breakaway in the third?). The defense was stellar, Marc Staal is looking more like a veteran everytime he laces up. In addition, Mara was his usually MVP self. Does anyone even notice that Malik hasn’t played in weeks? The offense finally scored more than 3 goals (Dubinsky and Nigel are such a solid foundation of young forwards).

How about Devils fans, eh? The stadium was barely 75% full, what a shame. I guess when when the Devils owner and Newark mayor said the arena would be full every game, they were talking about being full of pricks instead of attendance numbers. And booing Scotty Gomez? How can anyone boo someone for leaving pure evil to come to the Rangers? NYR fans did a great job representing themselves at the game tonight, it’s was awesome time hearing the chants of HEN-RY, and many “Potvin Sucks” chants. You could even hear the whistles on TV!

One note to MSG network: when a Knicks player is on leave from the team due a death in the family (Zach Randolph) don’t central a commercial for the 10:30 game by saying, “Watch Zach Randolph lead the Knicks.” Show some brains guys…

Heres to looking forward to another NYR victory tomorrow, let’s make it 8 out of the last 9 and 3 in a row on the road!

One final note: as of 10:01PM all people leaving the Prudential Center are safe, and their wallets are secure. You can rest well tonight, Barry Melrose…

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Satan Helped to Build the Prudential Center

October 28, 2007

The Devils new arena, known to fans as the “rock,” should just as well be located next to the river styx.

As I came home last night (early morning) I turned my television onto FSNY of (Full of Shit NY) and the Devils’ home opener against the water-tainting Ottawa Senators was being replayed. As they were giving the fans a tour of the Prudential Center on the pregame show, I was extremely impressed. I thought to myself, “Wow, they did a great job down in New Jersey. I wouldn’t mind checking out a Rangers-Devils game down there. How could such a poverty-stricken city and an extremely frugal franchise (who big free agent signings include Aaron Asham and Karel Rachunek) afford to build such a ornate complex?”

Then the answer popped his red, horny head.

Before the player introductions, they Devils showed their pregame introduction on their brand new scoreboard. As AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” was blasting throughout the Newark arena, drowning the remnants from the last Bon Jovi concert, a devil appeared on the screen. Then a montage played, where they showed Devils hockey highlights then cut to the devil applauding these plays. At this point I was thinking to myself, “This can’t be good for PR, I don’t remember a time when the devils have actually aligned themselves with Satan since the Seinfeld episode where Putty painted his face to support the Devil and traumatized the visiting Spanish priest.”

Finally, the video showed the Devil slamming his pitchfork down on the ground. And what happened when he did this? THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER EMERGED FROM THE GROUND READY TO ROCK! NO WONDER WHY CONSTRUCTION TOOK SO LITTLE TIME, NEW JERSEY DEVILS OWNER JEFF VANDERBEEK AND NEWARK MAYOR CORY BOOKER WERE ABLE TO SELL THEIR SOULS TO HAVE THE DEVIL USE HIS MAGICAL PITCHFORK TO BUILD A NEW ARENA! OOOOH MY WHAT A SITE AS THE DEVIL LAUGHED WITH JOY AS HIS LITTLE MINIONS, THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS, CAN NOW SEND OUT HIS MESSAGE OF CHAOS ON EARTH WITH CROSS-CHECKS AND OBSTRUCTION HOOKING CALLS.

In addition, Senators coach, Bryan Murray was seen giving Satan a stack of water bottles. Hmmmm, perhaps Satan is helping the Senators taint the water of their opponents. NYR fans can only speculate at this point, but this twist would be fitting.

Do not trust this 2007-08 New Jersey Devils team, they probably drink the blood of the innocent before all games; perhaps they drink at one of the many bars located in the Prudential Center, which is just one of the many luxurious amenities.