Posts Tagged ‘South Park’

Chris Drury Wins 329 Faceoffs In One Night…

December 30, 2007

Chris Drury has amassed a mind boggling 329 faceoff victories in one night on Sunday, a new record. This shattered the previous record of 70 by Montreal Canadiens Center Joseph Henri Richard set in 1973. The Rangers, ironically enough, defeated Richard’s former team by a score of 4-3 thanks to a breakaway goal by Brendan Shanahan in overtime.

Drury was winning faceoffs left and right Sunday night. His concentration and hand-eye coordination was impeccable and surpassed by no one. In addition to the 29 faceoff wins against the Canadiens, Drury was able to win 20 faceoffs in the Flyers/Panthers game, 14 faceoffs in the Kings/Blackhawks game and thus far he was won 16 faceoffs in the Ducks/Canucks game. The Ducks and Canucks are currently in the third period and Drury will surely add to his record total before the night is over.

Amazing enough, Drury’s night of faceoff wins was not finished there. He was able to win various faceoffs around the world. He won the faceoff of Herm Edwards and Eric Mangini at Giants Stadium, he won the faceoff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, he won the faceoff between National Treasure and Alvin and Chimpmunks at the box office, he won the faceoff between the Jets and the Sharks on the westside, he won the faceoff between many married couples over the country, he won the faceoff between the Writer’s Union and Hollywood studios, he was able to win the faceoff between Doug Funnie and Roger Klautz, he was able to the win the faceoff between oil and vinegar (not even density could stop him), he was able to win the many faceoff between children fighting over the remote the control……he was even able to the the faceoff of “ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR”

When asked about his unstoppable and historic night, Chris quaintly replied, “I just get into a groove and I get a few bounces my way, that’s it.”

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Satan Helped to Build the Prudential Center

October 28, 2007

The Devils new arena, known to fans as the “rock,” should just as well be located next to the river styx.

As I came home last night (early morning) I turned my television onto FSNY of (Full of Shit NY) and the Devils’ home opener against the water-tainting Ottawa Senators was being replayed. As they were giving the fans a tour of the Prudential Center on the pregame show, I was extremely impressed. I thought to myself, “Wow, they did a great job down in New Jersey. I wouldn’t mind checking out a Rangers-Devils game down there. How could such a poverty-stricken city and an extremely frugal franchise (who big free agent signings include Aaron Asham and Karel Rachunek) afford to build such a ornate complex?”

Then the answer popped his red, horny head.

Before the player introductions, they Devils showed their pregame introduction on their brand new scoreboard. As AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” was blasting throughout the Newark arena, drowning the remnants from the last Bon Jovi concert, a devil appeared on the screen. Then a montage played, where they showed Devils hockey highlights then cut to the devil applauding these plays. At this point I was thinking to myself, “This can’t be good for PR, I don’t remember a time when the devils have actually aligned themselves with Satan since the Seinfeld episode where Putty painted his face to support the Devil and traumatized the visiting Spanish priest.”

Finally, the video showed the Devil slamming his pitchfork down on the ground. And what happened when he did this? THE PRUDENTIAL CENTER EMERGED FROM THE GROUND READY TO ROCK! NO WONDER WHY CONSTRUCTION TOOK SO LITTLE TIME, NEW JERSEY DEVILS OWNER JEFF VANDERBEEK AND NEWARK MAYOR CORY BOOKER WERE ABLE TO SELL THEIR SOULS TO HAVE THE DEVIL USE HIS MAGICAL PITCHFORK TO BUILD A NEW ARENA! OOOOH MY WHAT A SITE AS THE DEVIL LAUGHED WITH JOY AS HIS LITTLE MINIONS, THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS, CAN NOW SEND OUT HIS MESSAGE OF CHAOS ON EARTH WITH CROSS-CHECKS AND OBSTRUCTION HOOKING CALLS.

In addition, Senators coach, Bryan Murray was seen giving Satan a stack of water bottles. Hmmmm, perhaps Satan is helping the Senators taint the water of their opponents. NYR fans can only speculate at this point, but this twist would be fitting.

Do not trust this 2007-08 New Jersey Devils team, they probably drink the blood of the innocent before all games; perhaps they drink at one of the many bars located in the Prudential Center, which is just one of the many luxurious amenities.