MARTIN BRODUER AWARDED CHRIS SIMON TROPHY

October 14, 2008 by

Following the New Jersey Devil’s 4-1 loss to the mighty New York Rangers Monday night, the NHL announced that Martin Broduer, the popular adulterer who moonlights as a minor league hockey goalie, will be awarded the Chris Simon trophy for unsportsmanlike conduct.  The announcement came as no surprise to Ranger fans everywhere, as they are used to seeing Marty’s antics in the crease… although we only hear about his antics in the bedroom.

When asked for comment, Marty just simply ignored our reporter, much like he simply ignored shaking hands following the Devil’s thrashing last spring in the playoffs.

Since we couldn’t get a comment from Marty, we asked the world’s favorite goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, how he felt about the news: “It couldn’t have been awarded to a worse guy.  Marty cheats at hockey, as well as his marriage.  Its as if the Chris Simon award was made for Marty.”  When asked about how it is to lead the league in wins this season, Henry added “Wait until we play some real teams, I don’t know why the NHL even awards us 2 points in the standings for playing the Devils, aren’t they the Albany River Rats’ farm team??”  Henry then left to go meet up with some Swedish supermodels.

The Dirtiest Play in NHL History

January 23, 2008 by

The score was 2-0 in favor of the New York Rangers in the last minute of the first period. Atlanta was desperately seeking a way to gain some momentum. Along came Ilya Kovalchuk.

Kovalchuk spied Michal Rozsival standing innocently behind his own goal line to play a puck. “Here is the perfect outlet for all my pent-up frustration,” he thought. And with Rozsival’s back turned to him, Kovalchuk leaped from his skates, flying four feet into the air and slamming into Rozsival.

Rozsival lay on the ice, apparently mortally wounded. Rangers policeman Colton Orr spied Kovalchuk and knew he had to get some revenge. He skated towards Kovalchuk and pounced like a skating lioness hunting her prey. Kovalchuk begged for mercy, to no avail. Finally, he was rescued from certain death by a linesman.

Meanwhile, Rozsival made a miraculous recovery from his injuries. Kovalchuk was given a one-game suspension by NHL disciplinarian Colin Campbell, but prevailing opinion is that a lifetime ban would have been more appropriate.

“That,” said Rangers coach Tom Renney, “was the dirtiest play in the history of the National Hockey League.”

TWO TERRIBLE WEEKS

January 15, 2008 by

NYR HAS LOST 6 OUT OF THE LAST 7. WHY?

Rangers lose to Calgary, decide to not alter history.

January 3, 2008 by

Last night, the New York Rangers lost to the Calgary Flames 4-3. Or did they? As everyone knows, NYR was on a 3 game winning streak, and Brendan Shanahan declared the NYR as ‘the lord of the rings.’ Now, we all know that LOTR is 3 parts, not 4. Rumor has it that King Henrik, last seen in the 3rd part of the trilogy, Return of the King, where King Henrik returns to the throne of Gondor, did not want to alter history.

“We all know how that story ends. I take the throne, evil is destroyed with the help of my hobbit friends, and I make sweet love to an immortal elf. Why should I change the way that story ends?” It is Rangersin08’s belief that Henry purposely tried to give the Flames the lead last night, just so the LOTR timeline went unscathed. While we all would have liked a 4 game winning streak, we have faith that our king knows whats best for his followers. When asked about the captain of the Flames, Jerome Iginla, Henry said “He’s the captain of the Flames? More like the Ice if you ask me. The only flames in Calgary were behind our airplane as we landed here this morning.”

King Henrik

King Henrik is shown above chillin’ with some royalty and showing off some bling after freeing Gondor from the grip of Sauron.

Calgary Ice

“Henceforth, the Calgary Flames will be known as the Calgary Ice” – King Henrik during his first state of Gondor Address.

NHL Winter Classic: Classic, or forgotten?

January 1, 2008 by

Today at 1pm eastern time, the NHL had its first ever outdoor hockey game in the US. With over 73,000 fans packed into the home of the Buffalo Bills, everyone was asking the same question: Does anybody care?

You see, here at Rangersin08, we find it hard to label any hockey game a ‘winter classic’ without having the most classy team in hockey, the New York Rangers, a part of it. So when it was all said and done, after the snow had fallen and Sidney Crosby scored the shootout winner, the fans quickly exited the stadium, and television sets were quickly turned off. Rumor has it that the nation was gripped with excitement, hoping to see an appearance of the Czech Cyborg, or the Swedish Rock Star, but were let down once again by two lackluster franchises.

Steven Johnson, long time NYR fan, took the 6+ hour trip to buffalo for the game. When asked about the outcome, he simply said “Predictable, as is any game without the Rangers. There were no winners in today’s game, only losers.”

Emily Adder, a 9 year old Pittsburgh fan, drove up from Pennsylvania with her family and her best friend, Rebbecca. The two youngsters were excited about seeing their favorite player, Sidney Crosby, take to the ice in the winter weather. When asked about how it was to watch a hockey game in the cold, Emily said “Well, my family is from Pittsburgh, so naturally, its usually this cold every winter in our house when we listen to the game on the radio, I just hope Sidney can take it, he’s so delicate…” When our corespondent asked Emily about if she thought Henrik Lundqvist should have been involved in tonights game, she added “Even tho he plays for the rangers, me and Becca always take turns fantasizing about what it would be like to be saved by Lundqvist…” Alas, there was no saves in Buffalo by Henry on this day.

The nation will look forward to tomorrow night, as the NYR will take its 3 game ‘we’re the lord of the rings’ winning streak to western Canada, where they will defeat the Calgary ‘we should be called the calgary ice’ Flames starting at 9pm eastern time.

Sauron

The Rangers are shown above reaching for the Stanley Cup.

Chris Drury Wins 329 Faceoffs In One Night…

December 30, 2007 by

Chris Drury has amassed a mind boggling 329 faceoff victories in one night on Sunday, a new record. This shattered the previous record of 70 by Montreal Canadiens Center Joseph Henri Richard set in 1973. The Rangers, ironically enough, defeated Richard’s former team by a score of 4-3 thanks to a breakaway goal by Brendan Shanahan in overtime.

Drury was winning faceoffs left and right Sunday night. His concentration and hand-eye coordination was impeccable and surpassed by no one. In addition to the 29 faceoff wins against the Canadiens, Drury was able to win 20 faceoffs in the Flyers/Panthers game, 14 faceoffs in the Kings/Blackhawks game and thus far he was won 16 faceoffs in the Ducks/Canucks game. The Ducks and Canucks are currently in the third period and Drury will surely add to his record total before the night is over.

Amazing enough, Drury’s night of faceoff wins was not finished there. He was able to win various faceoffs around the world. He won the faceoff of Herm Edwards and Eric Mangini at Giants Stadium, he won the faceoff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, he won the faceoff between National Treasure and Alvin and Chimpmunks at the box office, he won the faceoff between the Jets and the Sharks on the westside, he won the faceoff between many married couples over the country, he won the faceoff between the Writer’s Union and Hollywood studios, he was able to win the faceoff between Doug Funnie and Roger Klautz, he was able to the win the faceoff between oil and vinegar (not even density could stop him), he was able to win the many faceoff between children fighting over the remote the control……he was even able to the the faceoff of “ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR”

When asked about his unstoppable and historic night, Chris quaintly replied, “I just get into a groove and I get a few bounces my way, that’s it.”

druryvspred.jpg

What the Rangers would be if they weren’t hockey players

December 28, 2007 by

Which Rangers Personality Type (RPT) are you?

Henrik Lundqvist – Talented, brilliant, popular, you still have a certain insecurity that requires you to hide behind a mask.

Petr Prucha – You work very hard. You do more than is asked. You have overcome many difficulties to get where you are today. And you still take nothing but abuse.

Nigel Dawes
– You often go unnoticed for long periods of time. Then, for a few days, you absolutely shine. Everyone falls in love with you. Then you disappear again, but you are not forgotten.

Michal Rozsival – A steady, experienced guy, you have recently started to show flashes of brilliance. However, you still focus on the little things.

Marcel Hossa – You’re quiet and mysterious. Nobody knows what you really are. Your famous brother gets most of the attention.

Dan Girardi – In spite of your youth, you are already considered one of the most dependable workers. You are a clutch performer.

Marek Malik – Much reviled and underappreciated, you try hard to ignore your critics. It’s getting harder, especially since it now appears that your boss is one of them.

Brendan Shanahan – Loved by all, you are immensely loyal and will take on bullies who are going after your friends. You also have a flair for the dramatic, yet are willing to do the dirty work. You have seen it all.

Blair Betts – You are often summoned during crises, and are willing to risk injury when necessary. You often go unnoticed and are not flashy, but you always get the job done.

Brandon Dubinsky – Though young and inexperienced, you have found yourself working with those at the top of your profession. There have been many growing pains, but those who know you have great faith in you. Recently, however, you have been placed back with the young interns to learn your craft.

Marc Staal – In spite of your youth, you have managed to contribute as much as anyone. Sure, there were growing pains, but with guidance from older workers, you were able to get through them amazingly quickly.

Scott Gomez – You put others before yourself. You love nothing more than helping a friend or coworker succeed. Sometimes this is to the detriment of your own success.

Martin Straka – You are well-rounded, with above-average ability in many facets but not extraordinary in any. Very dependable, you show up for work each day, even under the most difficult conditions.

Chris Drury – Similar to Martin Straka, but you’re paid more.

Ryan Callahan – The enthusiastic type, you have some tremendous spurts of productivity. You are trying to learn how to prolong those spurts.

Fedor Tyutin – You’re better than most. Keep it up.

Paul Mara – You try hard but sometimes let everyone down at bad times. However, you manage to escape major criticism, which is usually directed at 8.

Colton Orr – You are a hard worker who always is there when needed. If one of your friends are attacked, you will stop at nothing to defend them.

Jason Strudwick – See Colton Orr, but you’ve spent time in Europe. Not on vacation, mind you – you worked there. You enjoyed it, but wanted to come back home.

Greg Moore – You still need to prove yourself, but you have shown promise. Work hard, and the future is yours.

Ivan Baranka – See Greg Moore.

Sean Avery – You are a punk. You need to learn how society expects you to behave. However, you are witty and popular.

Stephen Valiquette – You are the underappreciated, hard-working understudy that hasn’t been able to make it to the top. Maybe one of these days, but time is running out. Meanwhile, you keep plugging away, and on rare occasions, you get a big assignment. You know, however, that you are just one step away from being in charge – unless management then feels they need someone better.

Ryan Hollweg – Very aggressive. You sometimes bite off more than you can chew, and your recklessness can prove costly – however, this aspect of your personality can also energize others.

Jaromir Jagr
– You are creatively talented and brilliant, but a bit immature. You work hard – when things are going well. You are easily frustrated.

RANGERSIN08 WISHES A HAPPY KING DAY!

December 25, 2007 by

SEE YOU IN 08

Happy Holidays From Rangersin08

December 25, 2007 by

Rangersin08 would like to wish all our loyal readers a happy holiday! Santa Claus swung by the tri-state area last night leaving coal for Chris Simon and the entire New Jersey Devils organization. Santa must have thought I was a good boy this year because I asked him for two things, and one of them was delivered last night….TICKETS TO NYR @ MSG! The other item on my wish list, the Stanley Cup, will have to wait until June. So from all us of here at the Rangersin08 headquarters, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza and a Happy New Year Year…and heres to a Rangers cup in 2008!

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Merry Christmas, Marian Gaborik

December 21, 2007 by

NYR decided to be generous and let you score 5 goals. Be prepared for next time when NYR makes you pay for taking advantage of their generosity.


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